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There's no I in denial - Fic: Development Hell, chapter 2

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December 11th, 2012

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11:36 pm - Fic: Development Hell, chapter 2
Title: Development Hell
Author: Beer Good ([personal profile] beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffyverse, post-"Chosen"
Rating: PG13
Word Count: ~1800 (this chapter)
Characters/Pairings: Let's see, there's Buffy, Andrew, Lorne, and a couple of OCs. Various other characters as well as canonical pairings will be alluded to, played with, and lovingly frosted with glucose. Also, any similarities to actual Hollywood actors are entirely coincidental, I swear.
Summary: While killing time in Rome, Buffy runs into a new Slayer with a shocking secret. Now, she's going to have to face her past to keep both herself and those around her from a Fate Worse Than Death... Hollywood.

Previously: Chapter 1, in which Buffy meets and rescues someone claiming to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Development Hell
Chapter 2, in which things are explained

In his office, Andrew was just putting the final touches on his latest scrapbook of successful multi-Slayer missions when his door opened and Buffy poked her head inside.

"Hey, Andrew, guess what? I was just enjoying my regular bi-weekly vacation from vacation and planning where I was going to go shopping tomorrow, when..." She opened the door fully and marched MacKenzie into the room, guided her to the visitor's chair and pointed at her with the sword she'd conveniently forgotten to sheathe. "I don't know what she is, but there better be a good explanation. And let me just stress that if the explanation contains any variation on the word 'robot', it'll be considered Not Good."

MacKenzie looked offended. "I'm not a robot! I'm very - "

"Funny, that's what the last robot said." Buffy turned to Andrew. "Well?"

Andrew took on the same look he always got when he had to say something he knew people wouldn't like, and was trying to come up with a good way to spin it. "Hey, did you know that Sound Of Music was based on a true story?" he finally asked. "And Shakespeare In Love? And..."

"...and Night Of The Living Dead," Buffy interrupted. "All myths are true, yada yada yada, got that when I killed Hansel and Gretel. What's your point?"

MacKenzie was busy checking herself for bruises and dirty clothes. "I'm so telling my agent about this," she muttered.

"Agent?" Buffy's eyes widened at the concept of mysterious people in trenchcoats switching briefcases on park benches. "Andrew, what the hell is going on here?"

Andrew took a deep breath. "Buffy, this is MacKenzie Williams. She's been cast to play you in the upcoming movie trilogy based on, uh, your life."


"Yes, really," MacKenzie finally said after Buffy had spent about two minutes just looking back and forth between her and Andrew, her mouth opening and shutting with little "Wha-", "Huh", "You gotta be", and "Really?".

"See," Andrew finally dared interject when it didn't seem as if his violent death was imminent, "She wanted to make sure she got you right, so she asked to tag along on a mission to observe and study how the greatest Slayer of the Vampyres of all time does the voodoo that shedoo, and so the producers called me, and - "

"They're making a movie about me?" Buffy finally said, sounding as if she honestly wasn't sure if she should be insulted or flattered.

Andrew nodded. "Uh... yeah. I mean, why wouldn't they?"

"And she's an actress."

"Uh-huh," Andrew nodded. "You might know her from such things as - "

"And you didn't tell me?"
"And you didn't tell her?"

Buffy and MacKenzie realised they had yelled at Andrew at the same time, looked at each other, and then turned their ire back at the poor Watcher.

"How could you not tell me?"
"How could you not tell her?"
"I could have gotten her killed!"
"She could have gotten me killed!"
"How much are we getting paid for this?"
"Does this mean I'm not getting paid for this?"

After a few minutes of this, Andrew managed to mumble something about having to make a phone call and hurried out of the office, leaving Buffy and MacKenzie to stand around looking generally peeved. Buffy crossed her arms and glared angrily at the spot where Andrew had been sitting. MacKenzie shot her a quick glance, and then crossed her arms and glared angrily at the spot where Andrew had been sitting.

Eventually, Buffy snuck a look at MacKenzie and cleared her throat. "Something on the Disney channel, right?"

MacKenzie snuck a very similar look back and cleared her throat. "I was Madison on Dracula High for three seasons."

"Oh." Buffy nodded. "You know the vampires on that show were totally unrealistic, right?"

MacKenzie nodded. "No sh- uh, no kidding."

"I mean, what was up with the..." Buffy uncrossed her arms and gestured awkardly.

MacKenzie uncrossed her arms and gestured awkwardly. "The... flying?" she ventured.

Buffy smiled. "Yeah."

"Oh, tell me about it." MacKenzie smiled.

Buffy gave her a more thorough look, which MacKenzie returned. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier, and about, well, obviously there's not gonna be a movie now. It's not that I'm not flattered, and I'm sure you'd make a good... me, but I'm just not interested. I mean, this is my life. Plus, we've got a ton of girls to train, and I don't want them to get the wrong idea about what it means to be a Slayer. You get that, right?"

"Sure," MacKenzie replied in the same slightly concerned yet curious tone. "It's OK, I guess, there'll be other roles. I feel a bit sorry for Donny and Buddy, though, they really had their hearts set on it."

"Donny and Buddy...?"

"Donny Japp and Buddy Orlando," MacKenzie clarified. "They were gonna play Angel and Spike."

Buffy held up her hands in the international sign for hold on just one cotton-pickin' minute here. "Wait, I get to... I mean, you get to make out with Donny Japp?"

Andrew, who had just come back in, echoed the sentiment while unconsciously clutching his Lord Of The Rings t-shirt. "Wait, she gets to... I mean, you get to make out with Buddy Orlando?"

MacKenzie held up her hands. "Well, not anymore, I guess."

"OK. But..." Buffy fidgeted with her hair, saw that MacKenzie was doing the very same thing, and with a frown on her face stopped. "What are you doing?"

MacKenzie frowned. "What?"

"You're copying me!"

"No!" MacKenzie answered in the same slightly offended tone, "Well OK," she admitted, "maybe I'm just trying to get your character. My acting coach says..."

Buffy whimpered. "Andrew, tell her the movie's off. Japp or no Japp."

"Actually, about that." Andrew quickly ran down the result of his phone conversation with the producers and their reaction to Buffy's refusal, which basically consisted of 'That's too bad, but since we didn't technically need or want her permission, we're going ahead anyway.'

"They what?" Buffy lowered her voice and widened her eyes in righteous anger, forgetting to keep her eyes on MacKenzie who duly noted her every expression. "They can't do that! Can we sue them? Oh! Angel runs a law firm now, right? We'll have him sue them."

"That's a great idea, but I'm not so sure it's a... um... a good idea," Andrew said. "For one thing, regular courts might not accept that vampires exist and that you were chosen to slay them. Plus, you'd have to admit to breaking the law on pretty much a daily basis."

"I don't break the law!"

"How much did you pay for that antique sword?"

"I found it in a grave in... Oh."

"Precisely." Andrew put his hands together and smiled; he was feeling far more at home now. "Yours is a secret struggle, a rebel working in the dark, who cannot play by society's - "


"Sorry. For another thing, um... who do you think they got the story from? There are only so many people in LA who know your whole life story, and... well, Angel's law firm is technically evil, and they represent a lot of movie studios."

Buffy clasped her hand over her eyes. "I'm going to kill him. I swear to every god in Willow's spellbook, I'm going to kill him."

"You mean 'again', right?" MacKenzie asked. "Because according to the script I've got, you already killed him at least once, and - "

Buffy ignored her. "OK, Andrew, get me on a flight to LA. Right now."

"Already taken care of." Andrew smiled and with a well-practiced flourish produced two newly-printed airline tickets for the next day.

"And there's two because...?" Buffy looked from Andrew to MacKenzie and groaned.

"Well, the studio is paying for the trip, and they kinda want her back in one piece."

"Besides," MacKenzie said, "if the movie does happen, I really want to make sure I do you justice. I mean, duh, you saved my life. So if I can just spend a few hours with you and ask you some questions..." She held up her hands to halt Buffy's protestations. "I'm just saying, if the movie happens. Plus, Donny would love to meet you."

"Really? Me?" Buffy blinked and then snapped out of it and held up her hands, unconsciously copying her double. "OK, you know what, fine. The sooner I get this over with, the better. I've got things to do."

"Oh, by the way," Andrew called out as Buffy turned to leave, "in case you need to, you know, work off some steam, I just found out that there's a vamp nest downtown that nobody's dealt with yet."

Buffy turned back and pointed her sword at him. "OK, you and Dawn seriously need to stop it. I do not need to kill things to unwind. I'm unwound. I'm unwounder than a... a..."

Andrew and MacKenzie exchanged a look.

Buffy sighed. "Whatever. Just give me the address."


"Like I was saying, wow. That really was amazing," MacKenzie told Buffy as they fastened their seatbelts and the Alitalia flight to LA started taxiing away from the terminal. She'd pretty much been talking non-stop since coming along on Buffy's late-night slayage the day before, and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. "I mean, the way you took down that vampire..." MacKenzie gestured. "And that roundhouse kick? I'm totally going to need some more fight training. And that axe thing, how awesome is that? I mean it'd be even cooler if it could, like, shoot fire or something, right? Because the CGI guys are really good at fire, and can I just ask you some questions?" She got out her notepad. "OK, so why can't you just shoot them, like Blade? And how does it really feel to be dead? And seriously, I get the tall-dark-and-broody thing, but don't tell me you weren't attracted to Spike from the very start? What's it like to suddenly be just one of thousands of Slayers? And how are you and Faith getting along these days? Does it feel good to save the world, and what's your favourite apocalypse? And..."

Buffy hit the buzzer and asked the flight attendant for a drink. It was going to be a long flight.

MacKenzie ordered a Bloody Mary. "Because I'm thinking, what if my Buffy's favourite drink was a Bloody Mary? Wouldn't that be, like, a good commentary on how my power, I mean your power, is founded in the same demonic past as those you fight, and..."


On to chapter 3

Originally posted at Feel free to comment at either site.
Current Music: The Beatles - Act Naturally
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(14 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:December 11th, 2012 11:45 pm (UTC)
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this! What a perfect Hanukkah present. You know there are five more nights, right? :-)
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 12:42 pm (UTC)
Haha, we'll see what I can do. Thanks!
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 12:42 am (UTC)
Tee hee. Alternating between snorting and LOL. More please. :)
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 12:42 pm (UTC)
Patience, patience. :) Thanks!
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 08:04 am (UTC)
If it turns out that Andrew wrote the script I wonder if he will ever get the stake out from where she puts it...;
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 12:52 pm (UTC)
He may have installed some self-defense mechanisms in that desk of his. And kevlar in his tweed pants. Thanks!
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 09:32 am (UTC)
"Wait, I get to... I mean, you get to make out with Donny Japp?"


"Because I'm thinking, what if my Buffy's favourite drink was a Bloody Mary? Wouldn't that be, like, a good commentary on how my power, I mean your power, is founded in the same demonic past as those you fight, and..."

Hee! This story is so much fun. And it's headed to LA and W&H, which means it's going to have Lorne, right? Woo-hoo!
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 01:00 pm (UTC)

Buffy's been a fan of Donny Japp ever since his days on 21 Jump Avenue. Trufax.

And yep, Lorne should show up in the next chapter. Should be fun, I haven't written him in ages.
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 03:07 pm (UTC)
Hee! What's your favourite apocalypse.
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 11:44 pm (UTC)
Actually, Buffy's favourite apocalypse is the one in "The Zeppo". Nobody died and she did that really cool thing with an axe that everyone who saw it remembers.

[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 09:10 pm (UTC)
If MacKenzie lives to see another dawn, it will make Buffy a candidate for sainthood. Srsly.

W&H LA and evil film contracts... *loves*
[User Picture]
Date:December 12th, 2012 11:45 pm (UTC)
Aw, c'mon, she's just fangirling. :) Thanks!
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2013 01:32 am (UTC)
No, no, no, you don’t get to stop here. There MUST be more to this story, and I want to read it.


[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2013 05:56 pm (UTC)
Haha, thanks! There's definitely more coming - hopefully in a day or two.

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