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There's no I in denial - Fic: Not In The Brochure

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April 20th, 2013


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01:36 am - Fic: Not In The Brochure
Here's a very silly fic, inspired by a comment from [personal profile] rebcake in [personal profile] red_satin_doll's journal.

Title: Not In The Brochure
Author: Beer Good ([personal profile] beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy
Word count: 600
Pairing: Buffy/Spike... sort of
Summary: It's the end of "Chosen." Spike is burning up in the Hellmouth, and Buffy's holding on to his hand, unable to let him go without telling him... except Spike has something to tell her, too. And it concerns her mother.

Not In The Brochure

As the last of the new Slayers made their way up the stairs, Buffy ran up to Spike. He seemed to be glowing, standing in the bright shaft of sunlight with an incredulous smile on his face as the medallion around his neck incinerated the übervamps in the cave below.

"Gotta move, lamb," he said as she grasped his hand. "I think it's fair to say school's out for bloody summer."

She looked in his eyes, where tears barely had time to form before evaporating from the heat. "Spike..."

"I mean it, I gotta do this," he insisted. With a reassuring smile, he added: "I made a promise to your mum."

Buffy had already opened her mouth to say something else, but now she frowned, mentally rewound what he'd just said and replied, "My... Huh? What? How? When?"

"About six years ago," Spike said. "Don't you remember? She hit me with an axe over the head and told me to get the hell away from her daughter."

"Sure, I remember, but... I'm kinda burning my hand here, and I don't see what that has to do with anything?"

Spike nodded meaningfully at the collapsing cave around them.

"What?"

"Well," he said, "not to brag, but I am bringing down the hellmouth. Getting it away from you and all."

Buffy nodded, getting the conversation back on track. "Right. Which is why I need to tell you wait, hang on a minute, are you saying..."

"Now you're getting it."

"...You're saying that the last few years have all been a cunning plan on your part to literally get the Hell - this Hell - away from me?"

"Uh-huh," Spike confirmed. "And from your daughters."

"My... daughters?" Buffy unconsciously brought up her free hand to check if she had mom hair.

"Well, metaphorically speaking. All the little Slayerlings."

Buffy stared at him for a few seconds, then shook her head to clear it. "Whatever. I love y-"

"Yup, six years it took me. Your mum had a hell of a commanding voice," Spike said wistfully. "No wonder your room is always so neat."

"Would you stop talking about my mom!"

Spike, unperturbed, continued. "But this time, it's up to me to do the clean-up. It's what Joyce would have wanted. She was one classy lady."

She gave him the coolest stare she could under the circumstances. "Spike, I am trying to tell you that - OW!" Suddenly she let go of his hand and jumped up and down, shaking her hand in the air. "Son of a bitch!"

"Woah, young lady. Language!"

"My. Hand. Caught. Fire," Buffy told him through gritted teeth.

"Well, that's no reason to use that kind of language," he admonished her. "You need to set a good example for your daughters."

"They're not my - " Buffy brought her emotions back in check. Spike was burning up in front of her, the cave was falling in, and she probably didn't have much time. "Spike. Isn't there something you want to tell me?"

He focused those soulful, blue eyes on hers, leaned forward through the flames and said, "Buffy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think Joyce will be waiting for me with a cup of cocoa in heaven? I mean, I don't mean to presume, but I am dying to save the world like she wanted, and..."

Buffy threw up her hands. "Fine. Yes, I'm sure she will, and I hope you'll be very happy together." She barely had time to see the huge grin that spread across his face before she stomped on up the stairs.

Spike craned his neck and called out after her: "Thanks for saying it!"

As the flames consumed him, he could have sworn he smelled marshmallows.



Originally posted at http://beer-good-foamy.dreamwidth.org/195705.html. Feel free to comment at either site.
Current Music: Iron Maiden - Bring Your Daughter... To The Slaughter

(49 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:mrs_underhill
Date:April 19th, 2013 11:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
AAAA, love it so much! :D I'd love it to be the real ending of Choosen. End up in heaven with Joyce would be the best thing ever to happen to Spike.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 10:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! You might argue it would be a better fate than ghosting it up on Angel...
From:local_max
Date:April 20th, 2013 12:15 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hee! perfect.

Which makes me wonder:


Doc: I don't smell a soul on you anywhere! Why do you care?

Spike: I made a promise to a lady.

Doc: Oh?

Spike: Yeah, this littl'un's mum. I mean, I was mostly snarling and saying "women" but, inside, it was a promise. Get the Hell away from her daughters. You bleed her, the dimensions will open and the Hells will pile up on this one's head even before it gets to the other one.

Doc: She said "daughters," plural? I mean, were you threatening --

Spike thought for a moment.

Spike: Yeah, I mean, I guess she probably didn't. But that's what I remember. Those monks, clever blighters. I remember her saying "get the hell away from my daughters," but then -- you weren't there, were you?

Dawn: No, I was staying at home with a babysitter. Julie. (pause) I mean no I was green energy. Wait, what was Julie actually doing then?

Spike: It doesn't matter. Probably babysitting some other bit somewhere else. Anyway, yeah, so, I guess maybe now that I think about it I probably didn't actually promise that but -- well, maybe I did, maybe her tongue slipped and she said "daughters," and even if she just said "daughter" it wouldn't be clear which one she meant, right? I mean, if she suddenly had two daughters.

Dawn: Wasn't the context that you had been about to kill Buffy? I feel like she probably meant Buffy if she said singular. And Buffy was her only daughter back then.

Spike: Right. Well, to be on the safe side! A promise to a lady.

Doc: Oh.

(Doc shoots out his tongue, sweeps Spike's legs out from under him and grabs a hold of him)

Doc: Well I'll send the lady your regrets.

Spike: Oh. Maybe we should have talked about all that stuff later.

Dawn: Uh, yeah, good thinking.
[User Picture]
From:rebcake
Date:April 20th, 2013 01:24 am (UTC)
(Link)
Of course, Spike's managed to monologue long enough that Buffy gets there in the nick of time! I like it!

Yes, I am well content with another hilarious comment fic! Win!
From:local_max
Date:April 21st, 2013 09:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks!

Of course, Spike's managed to monologue long enough that Buffy gets there in the nick of time!

Phew, what a relief! :)
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 10:09 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hah! Brilliant. I love the idea of the monks' spell messing with people's memories outside of what's absolutely necessary.
From:local_max
Date:April 21st, 2013 09:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks!
[User Picture]
From:gillo
Date:April 20th, 2013 05:08 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That was just neat.

Poor Buffy, though, losing her Grand Confession.
[User Picture]
From:slaymesoftly
Date:April 20th, 2013 01:26 am (UTC)
(Link)
I can't decide whether to laugh or cringe.... :)
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 10:09 am (UTC)
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Either's fine with me. :) Thanks!
[User Picture]
From:rebcake
Date:April 20th, 2013 01:27 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh my goddess. Such a mama's boy. ♥

You, sir, have made me very happy. Might want to put a "Drink no beverages while reading this fic" warning at the top. Just a thought. Though, people probably already know to approach a BGF fic with caution!

*iz satisfied*
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 10:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! Yeah, Spike's old William instincts really kicked in here. :) Mustn't upset Mater.
[User Picture]
From:ffutures
Date:April 20th, 2013 06:55 am (UTC)
(Link)
That's a really neat idea - like it a lot.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 10:17 am (UTC)
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Thanks! Part of the credit goes to rebcake.
[User Picture]
From:kikimay
Date:April 20th, 2013 12:24 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm glad you wrote this fic. It's so funny!
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 03:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you, again! :)
[User Picture]
From:moriwen1
Date:April 20th, 2013 03:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh my gosh, I love this so much. Getting the hell away from her, literally! And Buffy being all revved up to tell him she loves him, and he won't stop blathering on about Joyce. Brilliant!
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 20th, 2013 03:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks a lot! I love defusing serious dramatic moments... :)
[User Picture]
From:curiouswombat
Date:April 20th, 2013 04:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I rather like Spike/Joyce...
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 11:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's not a bad ship as ships go, with their backgrounds. Teenage!Joyce would be in awe of Spike, and William needs a mum-ish type to look after him.
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Teenage!Joyce would be in awe of Spike, and William needs a mum-ish type to look after him.

I'd never shipped those two but when you put it like THAT....that makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. And gets creepier-funnier by the minute.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 01:34 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I don't know if anyone's ever written Band Candy!Joyce/Tabula Rasa!Randy, but...

...welp, this is Buffy fandom, I'm sure someone's written it.
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 01:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
DO IT! DO IT!

And can we add Band Candy!Giles-Ripper, and maybe he and William could squabble a bit and BC!Joyce would purr "Boys, boys, there's no need to fight..." and then the handcuffs would come out. Her mommy side and sexy side all in one - best of all worlds, I tell ya!

Ok, now that I've discovered this kink I never knew I had (thanks!) how the hell am I supposed to abbreviate this threesome 'ship? How do you make a smushname out of "BandCandy!Giles-Ripper/BandCandy!Joyce/TabulaRasa!Randy"?
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 02:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
RandyRipperJoy?
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 03:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
RandyRipperJoy?

You, sir, are awesome. THIS is appropriately funny/twisted/kinky. And, it could also be the name of an underground (thrash? Glitter-goth?) rock band - or a very special chocolate bar available only where high quality "adult toys" are sold.
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 21st, 2013 09:16 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm still fond of the original shorter version as well, but this?

As the flames consumed him, he could have sworn he smelled marshmallows.

OMG - this so "funny-gross". (Is there a proper term for this sort of thing, what with horror movies like Shawn of the Dead or whatnot? Like, an equivalent of "dramedy"?)
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 11:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks a lot!

(Is there a proper term for this sort of thing, what with horror movies like Shawn of the Dead or whatnot? Like, an equivalent of "dramedy"?)

There definitely should be. "Black comedy" just sounds so generic. Hmmm.
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:41 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh of course. I forgot the term "black comedy" even existed. Or maybe I've willfully forgotten it - I recall a published article I read while I was in college complaining about the racist connotations of the use of the word "black" to describe dark, evil, deadly or negative things. Which sounds excessively PC when I mention it out of context but - point taken. (Dark/White Willow? Shadowmen vs Guardian? Oh S7, why do you make it so hard for me to love you sometimes?)

But I never could come up with a replacement: "macabre comedy" just does NOT roll trippingly off the tongue.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 01:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I like the phrase "Kafka Komedy", but of course that's even bleaker - that's for us sick bastards who actually think The Trial and any movie ever made by David Lynch or Terry Gilliam are laugh-out-loud funny. That's the "cosmic joke" variety, where everything goes wrong, everyone fails at whatever they try to do since they have no clue what's going on, and evil doesn't so much triumph as fail to notice that there's even a good vs evil (or chaos vs order, or whatever) struggle going on.

Mostly I just think this is irreverent humour. It's not nearly as "black" as some things I've written...
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 03:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
No, this is definitely not "black" - except of course for Spike's flesh right at the end.

Edited at 2013-04-25 03:55 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:relurker
Date:April 22nd, 2013 04:00 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, come on! This is so amusingly silly, I'll have to stop reading for the day: your work here is done.
: )
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 11:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
:) Thanks a lot!
[User Picture]
From:velvetwhip
Date:April 24th, 2013 11:23 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I love this and want to cuddle it like a puppy! (And no, not just because I have a sooper sekrit thing for Spike/Joyce and am imagining that he's doing all this because he was madly in love with her and 'cup of coca' is the cute code they used for their secret flings.) This is fantabulous!


Gabrielle
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks a lot!

Spike/Joyce is definitely one of those ships you could, up to a point at least, argue that it could have happened offscreen... Or at least would have if Buffy hadn't interrupted them. :)
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
(And no, not just because I have a sooper sekrit thing for Spike/Joyce and am imagining that he's doing all this because he was madly in love with her and 'cup of coca' is the cute code they used for their secret flings.)

Like hell you don't. Come out of the closet this instant young lady. ;-)
[User Picture]
From:spuffy_luvr
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
And he says thanks for saying it! Brilliant!

The sad thing is, Spike is just so weird for a vampire, it's not entirely crack!fic. :)
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks!

And crackfic? Certainly not. This is the way it should have happened in my own personal canon. :P
[User Picture]
From:red_satin_doll
Date:April 25th, 2013 12:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This is the way it should have happened in my own personal canon.

The downside being that nobody would have believed that Buffy loved him because she didn't say it...oh, that's right, she said and nobody believes her anyway. "Nevah mind."

[User Picture]
From:spuffy_luvr
Date:April 25th, 2013 06:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Mine too, mine too.
[User Picture]
From:shapinglight
Date:April 25th, 2013 01:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hee! Very funny. It's Spike's matter of fact tone that gets me.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 25th, 2013 03:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks!

Well, this is important stuff. Spike wouldn't joke around about things like this. :)
[User Picture]
From:waddiwasiwitch
Date:April 25th, 2013 09:59 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hee! Love this.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:April 26th, 2013 05:08 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thanks!
[User Picture]
From:comlodge
Date:June 6th, 2013 09:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh this is just bad! ROTFLMAO even though I'm sick and got a sore tummy. Loved it! :D
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:June 7th, 2013 10:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! And I hope you're feeling better!
[User Picture]
From:comlodge
Date:June 8th, 2013 01:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
I forgot to add that I love your song choice, because the title so fits the story but also because it is a great song. Love Iron Maiden.:D
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:June 9th, 2013 12:03 am (UTC)
(Link)
:)

*icon*
[User Picture]
From:kikimay
Date:January 16th, 2014 02:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This is so hilarious. I love it.
[User Picture]
From:beer_good_foamy
Date:January 17th, 2014 09:44 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

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